You’re all ready for the big presentation, you’ve prepared and launch into your pitch, but the person you’re speaking to is checking their iPhone for email, flipping through a notebook, or texting away. Or, what if he or she keeps interrupting or disagreeing before you’re able to make your complete point?
You feel incredibly frustrated, you believe the person disrespects you and what you have to day, but unfortunately, it happens all the time.
Now lets think; Do you do it to others when they present or talk to you?
It’s no secret that listening has become harder than ever with so many gadgets, devices, and notifications that bleep for our attention every minute of the day — and we often persuade that they’re more important than the conversation you are currently having. We understand speech about four times faster than anyone can talk. That means we have excess capacity in our brain that will wander off and entertain itself unless we take steps to intentionally manage it. But active listening is a vital component of your eQ (Emotional intelligence) and a critical way to build rapport and trust with colleagues, bosses and subordinates.
So, in your next meeting, it’s worth deliberately paying attention to how you approach conversations with others. If you find yourself getting distracted? Here are four tips that can help you overcome that temptation, hone your listening skills, and show people that you truly care.
1. Get mentally and physically present. Most obviously — and yet, perhaps most importantly — make the decision to be an intentional listener for every conversation. Push other activities, deadlines, and to-do lists from your mind, and be present in the current discussion.
To show that you’re truly engaged, put down your cell phone, stop texting, and close your notebook. If you’re sitting behind a desk, where it might be tempting to multi-task, shut your laptop and move papers to the side. This tells the other person that you’re ready for the conversation.
2. Practice your neutral listening pose. Often, when you’re listening to someone, there’s a natural tendency to physically react to what he or she is saying, instead of simply letting it sink in. Perhaps you make a face, furrow your brows, or smile here and there. While you may think it demonstrates your interest in the conversation, all of these activities actually disrupt your ability to listen and the other person’s ability to communicate their ideas as they now focus on you rather than their material.
Instead, listen in a neutral pose that shows you’re engaged. Use open body language (i.e., don’t cross your arms), avoid extreme facial expressions, and stop the fidgety habits that signal impatience. Once you are in his deliberate pose, resist any temptation to respond to your phone.
3. Offer uninterrupted speaking time. Interruption makes effective communication impossible. Even if you interrupt to agree, it blocks the communication flow. Two people can’t possibly speak over each other and both be heard. Instead, I suggest using a technique that mediators use when they facilitate conflict: Give the other person uninterrupted speaking time with the intention of summarize what they are saying when they stop. When that is your objective, you’ll listen with a different intent (actually understanding what’s being said), instead of trying to interject your own thoughts. (If you don’t want to commit to this, then don’t have the conversation)
4. Repeat back and ask validating questions. Once you’ve listened and absorbed, you can use questions to make sure you heard the speaker correctly.
Start by succinctly repeating back what you heard:
So what I you’re saying is _____. Is that right?
Let me summarize what I heard you say: _____. Did I miss or misinterpret anything?
Then, ask clarifying questions about anything you didn’t 100% understand:
When you say revenue, what specific revenue are you referring to?
Can you repeat the part about costs? I want to make sure I heard you correctly.
Will you tell me more about your fundraising plan for this project?
With these questions answered, you’ll not only have a crystal clear understanding of the conversation, but you’ll also demonstrate to the speaker that you’re truly invested in what she had to say.
Improved listening skills will set you apart as a colleague and leader, as others start noticing that you take them seriously in your conversations. And in so doing you’ll signal that you value them and they will value your contributions more.