5 critical conflict communication tools

As I am talking with friends and colleagues, the biggest challenge still is how to deal with difficult people situations.

I’m sort of glad as its a rich vein to write about here. So what do  think are the 5 most critical conflict defusing skills

First some background… It’s virtually inevitable that even the best  work relationships will involve some degree of conflict, at least some of the time. When managed well. conflict can create new ideas, new approaches and new understandings. Managed badly, not only is conflict stressful, it can sow the seeds for that relationship’s eventual demise.

Interpersonal conflict is an unpleasant emotional state, and because of this most of us are programmed to avoid it.

Armed with these five conflict resolution strategies, you’ll be able to take the steps needed to get past what may seem like completely irreconcilable differences:

1. Avoidance won’t work.

Maybe a cooling-off period after a dispute or argument may settle your emotions enough to approach the problem later, but avoidance  is not a long term solution. However, when you put co-worker disagreements “on pause,” you run the risk of never having the chance to resolve the underlying dispute. Imagine that your work partner has what you find to be an annoying habit of not washing their cups in the pantry. Not only does this strike you as petty and sloppy, but it’s an inconvenience for you to be unable to find a clean cup when you’re making coffee for a business partner. However, it seems so trivial that you say nothing at all until, one day, without any warning, you explode in a fit of rage as you accost a pile of unwashed crockery. Now that this has escalated to an intense level, other unresolved issues might be dragged into the debate, and what started as a relatively minor difference leads to a large-scale battle that’s much harder to resolve. Instead of letting the small annoyances continue to irk you, it’s far better to come up with a strategy, using one of the tips below, to start the conversation in a more rational way.

2. Leave “but” out of it.

In a “but” sentence, you try to soften the blow of bad news by prefacing it with good news then “but”  and then the bad news.  The hopes you raised with the pre-‘but’ phrase get dashed with the post-‘but’ negative conclusion.

In fact, many people use the “good news/bad news” tactic to help someone feel better about information that is certain to be upsetting. “The good news is that you’ll get to keep your grading, but the bad news is that you’ll need to take a pay cut,” says the HR Director.

In my experience, we pretty much expect something bad almost every time someone uses that tone of voice that starts the “but” sentence. “I really like the way you rearranged the office furniture [pause]” may trigger an anxious wait as the listener expects the inevitable “but” to follow: “But it seems a little more crowded than it was before.” But, when the “but” doesn’t come, you’re pleasantly surprised. However, because this happens so rarely, the pause that follows a compliment can create stress when you’re the recipient of this kind of communication. Thinking back, when someone said to you, “Which would you rather hear first—the good news or the bad news?” you’d rather get the bad news out of the way, right?

Rather than create this stress in your colleague, then, consider phrasing your comments (positive and negative) in a direct manner, ending with the “good news” rather than starting with it such as: “I thought the furniture rearrangement more cluttered, but I like your approach of thinking how we can enhance the work flow.” Now that you’re done dispensing the bad news, you can leave your colleague with a positive ending.

In a truly difficult conversation, the stress of anticipating a “but” is even greater. It’s one thing to be talking about office furniture, but quite another to be discussing their future in the organisation. By putting your concerns out there immediately, you don’t leave your colleague in suspense while he or she waits for the real truth to emerge.

3. Prepare for difficult conversations.

Another reason not to avoid conflict is that when your feelings inevitably burst out in an uncontrolled way, neither you nor your colleague will have had a chance to prepare mentally or emotionally for the discussion. When something is bothering you, whether it’s a trivial cup washing or a more serious departure discussion, it’s only fair to provide your colleague with an alert that there’s something more you wish to discuss. How you phrase this is exceptionally important. Start by announcing what the conversation will be about, and make it really clear that it’s your feelings or your point of view that’s at issue: “I’d like to discuss my feelings about how we seem to avoid discussing our teams business strategy,” versus “I’d like to talk about the fact that our team business strategy is wrong.”

Because you’re not involved in the heat of the moment, you’ll be able to say this in a kindly and reassuring way rather than in a demanding and accusatory fashion after you’ve exploded about dirty cups. Then agree with your colleague on what would be a good time and place to have this conversation. If they are in a hurry to get it out of the way, then make sure you’re emotionally and logistically able to do so. In other words, if you both have to rush to the airport this evening, you might want to wait until after you return before exploring the discussion.

4. Agree on common goals.

In any negotiation, the outcome is much more satisfying to everyone if all parties decide on what they would find an acceptable set of results. If one of you wants the strategy to change and the other is happy with the status quo, then agreeing on what the desired outcome is may take up the bulk of the negotiation. However, even in this case, you can both agree on the common goals of allowing each person to “save face,” or maintaining self-respect in any discussion. Or you may agree that you want to make life as manageable as possible for the rest of the team as you have this fundamental discussion on strategy.

It’s important, however, not to enter into your discussion having a fixed outcome in your own mind (“the strategy must change before the end of the month”). The more emotionally laden the conversation, the more important it is that you agree on goals that preserve each other’s emotional well-being; maybe the common goal is to establish agreed means of assessing the strategy’s performance.

5. Stay optimistic.

Feeling that the situation is hopeless is an almost certain way to create a self-fulfilling failure prophecy. Once you’ve decided that there is no way you can influence your co-worker, you’ll invariably interpret everything they say in a negative way. Your colleague may wish to discuss his or her feelings about strategy selection in difficult business times, but it doesn’t mean that the co-operative aspect of your work relationship is doomed.

As you and your colleague work through the details of your difficult conversation, remind yourself that you’re in this together as this can help both of you remain hopeful about a positive end result. Even in the worst-case scenario, where the conversation ends in you deciding to resign, by having agreed on common goals of maintaining each other’s face, you’ll know that you won’t be severely injured in the leaving process.

On the other hand, it is entirely plausible that by setting the stage for your conversation in steps 1-4 above, you’ll be able to resolve the dispute in a way that strengthens the relationship for whatever else will come your way. Having learned how to get through this challenge, the ones that await you will seem more manageable.

The bottom line is that by learning to work their way through conflict in a rational, respectful, and optimistic manner, managers could enjoy a significant improvement in their levels of overall work relationship satisfaction.  The good news about this method is that … don’t worry, there’s no “but” to come, colleagues can and do learn to work out their differences, allowing them to achieve better work relations for years to come.